Love and Death

It has been a long time since I've opened up this blog to post. I've been through a lot of changes in that time. The biggest of those changes being location. I am now 1200 miles from Littlefun. I moved last September for school. Reflecting back on all that time and some rather harsh memories persist.

Last September, before we (my boyfriend and I) moved to Oregon, we made a trip back to his home town, Lincoln, NE, for a wedding. It turned into one of the best weddings that we have been to. The celebration of our friends' love is a great thing, and this couple is truly one for the history books. He is a tall lanky man, with curly unruly hair. His friends affectionately call him Frosty. She is petite, beautiful, and kind, with a voice and sister to match. Partners in every facet, both in love and in business, they spend most of their time together. On their wedding day, both are glowing in blue and orange. Colors of their favorite football team and of some of the best summer sunsets I have ever seen. The love they have for each other and that they share for their family and friends is bursting from the room. I feel blessed to be here.

Fast forward to March, and we find ourselves back in Lincoln. Sitting in Frosty and Jeni's living room waiting for them to finish with an interview for the company. We can't wait to catch up with the two of them. They had shared wonderful news on facebook of their pregnancy and I want to hear all the news. Soon Jeni enters and offers drinks and short conversation. Filling us in on how far along she is. When she is due, as if it were planned, right in between their birthdays. Both she and Frosty have July birthdays. A summer baby, and it's going to be a boy. Then enters the proudest father to be. Greeting us with those Frosty hugs that are so infectious. His smile has never been larger. Beaming from ear to ear, he retells us all the news while showing us everything he has gotten for the baby. He also regales us with the most current news on the company and his home. Which is always in some stage of upgrading as it doubles as the showroom floor for Frosty Effects. I wish we could spend a lot more time with them, but soon we needed to be on our way. We drive away with a flush from the fullness in that house. Both of them are going to be great parents!

July approaches and I find I'm checking facebook everyday for the big news. On the 10th I'm sharing in the excitement of many with the news of the birth. Two pictures of mom, dad, and baby. Robert Jordan and he is beautiful. But the excitement is short lived when the following updates from Frosty are full of dread. Something is wrong with Jeni and she is being sent for an MRI and then to the ICU. The next update from him says it all, "today is my official worst day.... I'll love you forever Jeni". Then the phone rings. It's another mutual friend filling us in. Jeni is gone. We are soon given all the information, which makes the hurt sting. No stranger to death, I'm surprised as I find tears streaming down my cheeks. How is any of this true. How could it even be possible. How?

A person could drown in that sorrow. So it has taken some time to find the beauty in the loss. Jeni spent her life loving. She was a kind heart that I wish I had known better. From facebook updates and news articles I'm learning so much about her life. In the wake of the loss she has shown us the way to heal. Through love. The amazing strength of love is what will help all those who feel her loss. And it already has. The meal train, the benefit, and all the continuing support that her family has received is quite astounding. The beauty, Robert Jordan. He will grow up seeing all the love that Jeni gave in her life. He has one incredible father who will never stop loving Jeni and Robert. Who's worst day will turn into a beautiful day. Remembering how Robert entered this world. To be greeted by both his loving parents. While Jeni may be gone, she will never, ever be forgotten.



If you would like to read more about their story I have provided a link below to a blog created for the family. Please feel free to visit.

http://becauseofjeni.wordpress.com/about/

I'll Have One More!

Last night when I got home from yet another busy day; I realized that I had two large americanos, one to start my day and one to get me through class. I'm constantly worrying about my caffeine intake. I wonder at what point should I slow down a little bit. Even now as I write this I have a latte in my hands. The first sip is always the sweetest. I was thinking that I'll have some strong black coffee when my latte is gone. Just adding to my concern. "Am I addicted to coffee?!" "Can one be addicted to coffee?!"

I justify my actions by saying that I need it. Most of my days are spent in a half awake stupor. My mornings start at 6:00 am and isn't over until around 11:30 pm on a good day. I get about 6 hours of sleep a night. Without the extra help I can barely form a sentence. Last Friday I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. I'm a fumbling mess! I also feel like I might be falling apart. My toenail fell off last week as well. I thought what am I doing to myself? Why am I continuing to put myself through this kind of torment?

Well I'm determined to make something of myself. To stick to my goals and see it through. I so badly want to become a marine biologist that I'm giving up a lot to make it happen! So I'll leave you with this....

How far would you go for a good thing, and at what point do you end up like this?!

Coffee and Eggs S'il Vous Plait

My alarm clock has become an enemy. A piercing intruder of my dreams as it screams at me to start the day regardless of my reluctance. I hate it. I wish that I could turn it off and crawl back under the warm covers and sleep. But alas this is my life; waking to the raucous alarm to start the day with a body and brain that will remain half asleep as I struggle through the day.

I'm not even sure how I'm retaining anything that I'm learning in school. I can barely remember what I did last weekend. Coffee.... Coffee... Un Cafe.... Un Cafe. My beverage of choice to get me through the day does not help with memory issues. The pleasure I seek in the bottom of the cup has become a need, so too my moment of pleasure ruined by haste.

Eggs dropping from the sky... This should be a dream but it is my reality. And I'm spinning in circles building a device that will let it fall unharmed. Maybe I can drop it in a cup of coffee? A cappuccino perhaps all that foam to pad the fall?

My dreams are no escape either... I'm dreaming in franglais gibberish. Nothing in my dreams makes sense anymore and I wake up just as confused as when I went to bed. How do I continue like this...

A egg carrying, coffee slurping, french hacking zombie? Especially when all I want is this!!!

Those Days

I have those days when I need to rant and rave. It doesn't happen often and I know that it's way less then it ever used to be. But lately I feel it. I feel it building. I feel as if I'm on a precipice of my own blind rage. It's gonna happen. I'm going to break down and I'm going to be crazy for a little while when it happens. I just hope I don't burn any bridges in my wake. The real question is why?

School started this week. That is not a bad thing, in fact I'm really enjoying it. But I'm in class 4 nights a week until 8:45 pm at the latest. This makes my schedule very difficult to work out. I'm trying to diet right now and it seems like I barely have time to make my lunch at night for the next day let alone find time now to study. I know that I will work out all the kinks in the next few weeks but right now it's stressful.

There is also the outside factors of this as well. Unbeknownst to me, my French teacher was hired just 5 days before the start of class. So in my effort to be prepared for class I ordered my books online two weeks ago. Guess what!?! I have the wrong French book, and now the one I need is on back order. I feel like I shot myself in the foot with that one. Thankfully no one in my class has the book so homework will be a little off schedule for all of us and I won't be the only one behind. And again that will all be solved by next week.

My phone committed Harry Carey. WTF!?! I plugged it in on Sunday night to charge and the thing felt like it was going to catch on fire. The battery is dead.... Dead and will never, ever, work again. So Monday I called my service provider and they said come on in and we can see if it's under warranty. This lead to TMobile wasting my 1/2 an hour lunch break. Why the hell they couldn't tell me over the phone that my battery wasn't under warranty and they couldn't replace it is beyond me. The sales rep also told me and I am eligible for an upgrade. Wow that upgrade saves me maybe $50.00. I don't have time right now to shop for a phone. So I ordered a battery online and I'm phone less until Friday which makes my life that much more difficult. I can't call anyone as I only know a few numbers by heart. And if for some reason I need to make an emergency call..... I'm SOL. Why did this all have to happen this week!!!!

Stress relief will be hard to come by too. I recently picked up running. I am really starting to enjoy it. Well I haven't run since Sunday. I haven't been able to find the time. I am not the type of person to get up a 5:00 am, but I may need to now if I still want to do it. Also since my phone died I have no music to listen to. If you know me at all, you know I NEED music. It helped me keep up my pace, and it helped me push on when I didn't want to keep running. I'm sure I can run with out it, but I enjoyed it so much more with it.

So what the hell. Maybe I should just call this week a wash in the long run. I will have my French book next week and my phone. So those two things will be solved by then. I hope that I can work my schedule out with work, school, running, and dieting by next week so I'm not a sleep deprived bitch. Even though my time is thin, I'm hoping to let it all sink in. To just breathe and be, so I can be happy once again. I may also need to hire a maid to do my laundry..... Anyone willing to work for free?!!!!!!!!

To My Son

Dear Sam,
A wonderful life is what I have always wanted for you. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant I knew that this child, you, needed parents that would not only love you, but protect, cherish, and provide for you. At the tender age of 17 I knew that I was not that parent, nor was your birth father. Yes I could provide love and I would, and do, cherish you; but I could not provide for you. It was not an easy decision to give you away, but it was the right one. I hope that you never question that. I also hope that you know I made that choice out of love for you. It was all I could do for you.

In life you will face many obstacles. I know that you have an amazing support system to see you through every one of them, but I want to give you some things to think about. These are lessons I have learned the hard way! I wouldn't change any of it, but Sam, trust me when I say it has been hard! So keep this tucked away and when you need some strength or inspiration I hope you can take out this letter and find it.

Education - A deep desire to know the world around you. A great education will bring that to you. Find a way to make learning a passion! Your fiercest weapon will be your brain, use it to its fullest potential. Read! Reading can take you to places far beyond the reaches of your feet. Write! It can heal a broken heart, help make decisions, and a pen and piece of paper can create the world that lives in your dreams.

Love - In all its forms; Love! Love yourself, your family, and your friends. Love without expectations, love openly and honestly. With grace, humility, honor, and respect. I have found one of the harder lessons that I have learned is to love with forgiveness. Try not to hold a grudge, it takes up too much time and effort. I hope that you will find a great love one day. One that will be worthy of making history! Relationships can be hard at times, but if you know how to love you can get through anything together. Love with patience. Love with tenderness, and above all, love with passion!

Travel - "The world is a book and those who don't travel read only one page" - Saint Augustine
Don't just do the "tourist" things. Take time to immerse yourself with all there is where ever you go. Learn about the culture, the way of life, eat their food, and learn to speak their language. Dip your toes in the water, touch the earth, and leave no trace.

Passion! Passion in everything you do! Music, just listen to it! Play hard! Play fair! Be strong and learn when to ask for help. Don't wait, never hesistate. Take risks! Jump! Learn how to fall and get back up. Always remember where home is. Feel the wind! Be kind!

I have so much more to say and to give, but I think those are things you already know. To see the wonderful young man that you have become has made my heart so full. All the things in life that I wanted for you; you have. For that I am eternally grateful to your amazing parents; Susan and Gordon. I could not ask for anyone better to be your Mom and Dad. With out them I'm not sure where you and I would be in this life. I am blessed to have you all as a part of my life too. There are a lot of people in this world who were given up by their birth parents for various reasons, and I don't think any of them are as lucky as we are. I love you Sam and I always will!

Love,
Mary

Stuck Moving Forward

A few weeks ago I stayed up until 1:00 am freaking out about not being prepared to uproot my life and move. I made plans to go back to school for Marine Biology and I have been working hard for the last year and a half to make that happen. My high school career was somewhat tumultuous to say the least and I never took my SAT's. So I was told by the school that I want to attend that I would need to take one year of college English and Math in order to transfer. So I did just that. After completing those requirements I sent in my application to Oregon and waited.... and waited.

My brain was over loaded with fears about not having any where to live and I would still need to continue working while I'm in school and I don't have a job lined up. I don't even know how one picks up and starts over some where else. I don't have any friends that live up there, nor family that I could stay with until I get on my feet. Everything was just slipping through my fingers and I was scared!

Well the decision came and with it I have feelings of sadness and relief. My application was denied. I spent one night crying, just one. The next day I picked up the phone to find out why. My GPA was 0.2 points too low and I needed 2 full years of high school french and I only had 1.5. I was even more upset when I found out that my GPA at my current school, Red Rocks, is a 3.0, but they requested my transcripts from ACC. Those dropped my GPA to 2.3. Hell!!! But my relief came when I realized that this setback gives me more time. More time to prepare to uproot my life.

So even with the sad news, that I will not be moving as planned this summer to Oregon, I'm happy. In the face of this minor misstep I'm still moving forward and I'm sticking to a decision that I made over two years ago now. I feel like I'm finally living up to the promises I made to myself. I am happy about where I am and where I'm going. In other words, being stuck moving forward never felt so good!

Missing 6

Today as I was perusing the internet for the something to quell my boredom I came across an article about a little girl in Stapleton, Colorado who is spending some of her summer days writing on the sidewalk with her chalk. Some of the residents in her neighborhood actually want to ban sidewalk chalk because it makes the area "less pleasant". I am completely outraged by this. In this same article was a link to a story about a neighborhood in Boston that wants to ban ice cream carts in the park. As you read the article it becomes clear that these parents (uptight trophy wives) don't actually want to deal with their children. One parent is quoted in the article by saying "I should not have to fight with my children every warm day on the playground just so someone can make a living!" This just made me want to scream "WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?"

It made me remember my childhood days.......... When that hauntingly cheerful music would fill the air on a hot summer day you knew what to expect. The ice cream man. Some afternoons my parents would buy my sisters and I ice cream and on other days we would sit sullenly as the truck just continued on down the street. If we even thought about throwing a fit or fighting with them about it; we were punished. Not the flipping ice cream man. I don't even remember my parents running down the street and telling the ice cream not to come back because he made my parents life a living hell. But wait that was back in the days when people still took responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. I'm about to miss the point of this post, but damn did it piss me off!!!!!! The only time I remember a person chasing down the ice cream man was at my older sister's graduation party and that was fall on the ground funny!!!

But anywho these stories about stealing youth made me reminisce about my childhood. And I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be that six year old little girl again, especially on hot days like today.

I remember actually waking up early not because I wanted too, but because I had actually slept all I needed to. The mornings were still cool and the breeze held the aroma of tree blossoms, pollen, and the unexpected. My hardest decision was whether or not I was going to the park to play or go to the pool. Sitting in the kitchen for breakfast full of energy that made me fidget restlessly as I counted down the seconds to my outdoor freedom. On my swing set I could be whomever, or whatever I wanted to be. Armed with chalk I could create in color the worlds I dreamed of. On really hot long days, we would set up the "poor mans" slip and slide in the yard. I promise a large blue tarp is a million times better than the slip'n'slide you can buy at Toys'R'Us. All three of us girls could go down at once. The endless adventures we spent had on our bikes, one of us ended one of those adventures in a pond. The tunnel of the unknown at the top of the street. Christine was the only one of us that was brave enough to go past the light in that tunnel. The day I snuck in and out of my neighbors garage because their cat had just birthed kittens and I couldn't stay away from them! The ice cream man and the limitless possibilities for a cool afternoon treat. My red cowboy boots. Climbing trees and screaming for my dad to get the ladder to get me down. The scary neighbors and the wonderful ones. Mrs. Burcar who lived behind us and let us eat to our hearts and stomachs content off her raspberry bushes. The weird neighbors that moved in a dug a pit in their yard to host a nude mud wrestling party. The apple throwing squirrels. Our landlord, Wes, who probably had a bigger imagination than I. Eating dinner on the porch and dessert at dusk. Listening to the sprinklers as I lay in bed just before the sandman paid a visit.

Oh how I miss 6!!!!!!!