To say that I'm not a planner is a bit of a lie. I do like to make plans. I like to know what's going on and what is happening, but that is only for the short term. Like "Hey what are we doing this weekend?" But I've never actually had a LIFE plan. I don't know why. I just never planned anything outside of the next few weekends. I know that during the weeks I'm going to work and on the weekends I want to be with friends or family having fun. But right now I'm waiting for the next step of my LIFE plan to unfold and it scars the ever living shit out of me.
I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I can't really make any plans until one thing happens; getting accepted to school in Oregon. Until that happens I'm just waiting. Waiting and holding my breathe, trying to relax and not freak the fuck out!!!! I'm freaking out though!!!!!!!!!! REALLLLLLLLY FREAKING OUT!
What happens between my boyfriend and I if I do get accepted? We have talked before about breaking things off when and if that happens, however, in the last few months he has made some comments about moving that make me wonder if things will be different. I'm trying hard to not get my hopes up but I know that when that day comes and he bids me farewell I will be crushed. I was really hoping that I would not be in this situation when I started school last year and yet here I am. I followed my heart and I don't know if that will pay off in the end. Don't we all make bets with our hearts when our head tells us not to? I feel like I've made too many bets and I just end up huritng both my heart and my head. So I'm not betting right now, just hoping!
Also after I separated and ultimately divorced from my ex I moved home with my parents. Shortly after that I started school so I stayed there. I thought it would be a little ridiculous to have an apartment that I was never at. Now I'm spending most of my time at my boyfriends house. I don't have any roots anymore. I don't feel like I have any space that I can truly call my own. While this was ok for a little while, I'm finding that I do want a place that I can call my own. A place where all of myself is there and not spread out between two houses. But I can't plan anything until I know where I will be living in the fall.
If I do get accepted to Oregon I don't know a single person that lives there. What will I do for work? Where am I going to live? Have I saved enough money? Do I need to submit an application to live on campus? Is it too late to do that? If my guy moves with me are we going to live together? If I don't get accepted what will I do about school? It might be too late to apply to state schools, which is fine I can still go to the community college I'm going to and then figure it out over the next fall and winter. But then that just brings a new set of questions that I don't even want to start thinking about................ See freaking out and I really have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!
