I'll Have One More!

Last night when I got home from yet another busy day; I realized that I had two large americanos, one to start my day and one to get me through class. I'm constantly worrying about my caffeine intake. I wonder at what point should I slow down a little bit. Even now as I write this I have a latte in my hands. The first sip is always the sweetest. I was thinking that I'll have some strong black coffee when my latte is gone. Just adding to my concern. "Am I addicted to coffee?!" "Can one be addicted to coffee?!"

I justify my actions by saying that I need it. Most of my days are spent in a half awake stupor. My mornings start at 6:00 am and isn't over until around 11:30 pm on a good day. I get about 6 hours of sleep a night. Without the extra help I can barely form a sentence. Last Friday I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. I'm a fumbling mess! I also feel like I might be falling apart. My toenail fell off last week as well. I thought what am I doing to myself? Why am I continuing to put myself through this kind of torment?

Well I'm determined to make something of myself. To stick to my goals and see it through. I so badly want to become a marine biologist that I'm giving up a lot to make it happen! So I'll leave you with this....

How far would you go for a good thing, and at what point do you end up like this?!

Coffee and Eggs S'il Vous Plait

My alarm clock has become an enemy. A piercing intruder of my dreams as it screams at me to start the day regardless of my reluctance. I hate it. I wish that I could turn it off and crawl back under the warm covers and sleep. But alas this is my life; waking to the raucous alarm to start the day with a body and brain that will remain half asleep as I struggle through the day.

I'm not even sure how I'm retaining anything that I'm learning in school. I can barely remember what I did last weekend. Coffee.... Coffee... Un Cafe.... Un Cafe. My beverage of choice to get me through the day does not help with memory issues. The pleasure I seek in the bottom of the cup has become a need, so too my moment of pleasure ruined by haste.

Eggs dropping from the sky... This should be a dream but it is my reality. And I'm spinning in circles building a device that will let it fall unharmed. Maybe I can drop it in a cup of coffee? A cappuccino perhaps all that foam to pad the fall?

My dreams are no escape either... I'm dreaming in franglais gibberish. Nothing in my dreams makes sense anymore and I wake up just as confused as when I went to bed. How do I continue like this...

A egg carrying, coffee slurping, french hacking zombie? Especially when all I want is this!!!

Those Days

I have those days when I need to rant and rave. It doesn't happen often and I know that it's way less then it ever used to be. But lately I feel it. I feel it building. I feel as if I'm on a precipice of my own blind rage. It's gonna happen. I'm going to break down and I'm going to be crazy for a little while when it happens. I just hope I don't burn any bridges in my wake. The real question is why?

School started this week. That is not a bad thing, in fact I'm really enjoying it. But I'm in class 4 nights a week until 8:45 pm at the latest. This makes my schedule very difficult to work out. I'm trying to diet right now and it seems like I barely have time to make my lunch at night for the next day let alone find time now to study. I know that I will work out all the kinks in the next few weeks but right now it's stressful.

There is also the outside factors of this as well. Unbeknownst to me, my French teacher was hired just 5 days before the start of class. So in my effort to be prepared for class I ordered my books online two weeks ago. Guess what!?! I have the wrong French book, and now the one I need is on back order. I feel like I shot myself in the foot with that one. Thankfully no one in my class has the book so homework will be a little off schedule for all of us and I won't be the only one behind. And again that will all be solved by next week.

My phone committed Harry Carey. WTF!?! I plugged it in on Sunday night to charge and the thing felt like it was going to catch on fire. The battery is dead.... Dead and will never, ever, work again. So Monday I called my service provider and they said come on in and we can see if it's under warranty. This lead to TMobile wasting my 1/2 an hour lunch break. Why the hell they couldn't tell me over the phone that my battery wasn't under warranty and they couldn't replace it is beyond me. The sales rep also told me and I am eligible for an upgrade. Wow that upgrade saves me maybe $50.00. I don't have time right now to shop for a phone. So I ordered a battery online and I'm phone less until Friday which makes my life that much more difficult. I can't call anyone as I only know a few numbers by heart. And if for some reason I need to make an emergency call..... I'm SOL. Why did this all have to happen this week!!!!

Stress relief will be hard to come by too. I recently picked up running. I am really starting to enjoy it. Well I haven't run since Sunday. I haven't been able to find the time. I am not the type of person to get up a 5:00 am, but I may need to now if I still want to do it. Also since my phone died I have no music to listen to. If you know me at all, you know I NEED music. It helped me keep up my pace, and it helped me push on when I didn't want to keep running. I'm sure I can run with out it, but I enjoyed it so much more with it.

So what the hell. Maybe I should just call this week a wash in the long run. I will have my French book next week and my phone. So those two things will be solved by then. I hope that I can work my schedule out with work, school, running, and dieting by next week so I'm not a sleep deprived bitch. Even though my time is thin, I'm hoping to let it all sink in. To just breathe and be, so I can be happy once again. I may also need to hire a maid to do my laundry..... Anyone willing to work for free?!!!!!!!!

To My Son

Dear Sam,
A wonderful life is what I have always wanted for you. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant I knew that this child, you, needed parents that would not only love you, but protect, cherish, and provide for you. At the tender age of 17 I knew that I was not that parent, nor was your birth father. Yes I could provide love and I would, and do, cherish you; but I could not provide for you. It was not an easy decision to give you away, but it was the right one. I hope that you never question that. I also hope that you know I made that choice out of love for you. It was all I could do for you.

In life you will face many obstacles. I know that you have an amazing support system to see you through every one of them, but I want to give you some things to think about. These are lessons I have learned the hard way! I wouldn't change any of it, but Sam, trust me when I say it has been hard! So keep this tucked away and when you need some strength or inspiration I hope you can take out this letter and find it.

Education - A deep desire to know the world around you. A great education will bring that to you. Find a way to make learning a passion! Your fiercest weapon will be your brain, use it to its fullest potential. Read! Reading can take you to places far beyond the reaches of your feet. Write! It can heal a broken heart, help make decisions, and a pen and piece of paper can create the world that lives in your dreams.

Love - In all its forms; Love! Love yourself, your family, and your friends. Love without expectations, love openly and honestly. With grace, humility, honor, and respect. I have found one of the harder lessons that I have learned is to love with forgiveness. Try not to hold a grudge, it takes up too much time and effort. I hope that you will find a great love one day. One that will be worthy of making history! Relationships can be hard at times, but if you know how to love you can get through anything together. Love with patience. Love with tenderness, and above all, love with passion!

Travel - "The world is a book and those who don't travel read only one page" - Saint Augustine
Don't just do the "tourist" things. Take time to immerse yourself with all there is where ever you go. Learn about the culture, the way of life, eat their food, and learn to speak their language. Dip your toes in the water, touch the earth, and leave no trace.

Passion! Passion in everything you do! Music, just listen to it! Play hard! Play fair! Be strong and learn when to ask for help. Don't wait, never hesistate. Take risks! Jump! Learn how to fall and get back up. Always remember where home is. Feel the wind! Be kind!

I have so much more to say and to give, but I think those are things you already know. To see the wonderful young man that you have become has made my heart so full. All the things in life that I wanted for you; you have. For that I am eternally grateful to your amazing parents; Susan and Gordon. I could not ask for anyone better to be your Mom and Dad. With out them I'm not sure where you and I would be in this life. I am blessed to have you all as a part of my life too. There are a lot of people in this world who were given up by their birth parents for various reasons, and I don't think any of them are as lucky as we are. I love you Sam and I always will!

Love,
Mary

Stuck Moving Forward

A few weeks ago I stayed up until 1:00 am freaking out about not being prepared to uproot my life and move. I made plans to go back to school for Marine Biology and I have been working hard for the last year and a half to make that happen. My high school career was somewhat tumultuous to say the least and I never took my SAT's. So I was told by the school that I want to attend that I would need to take one year of college English and Math in order to transfer. So I did just that. After completing those requirements I sent in my application to Oregon and waited.... and waited.

My brain was over loaded with fears about not having any where to live and I would still need to continue working while I'm in school and I don't have a job lined up. I don't even know how one picks up and starts over some where else. I don't have any friends that live up there, nor family that I could stay with until I get on my feet. Everything was just slipping through my fingers and I was scared!

Well the decision came and with it I have feelings of sadness and relief. My application was denied. I spent one night crying, just one. The next day I picked up the phone to find out why. My GPA was 0.2 points too low and I needed 2 full years of high school french and I only had 1.5. I was even more upset when I found out that my GPA at my current school, Red Rocks, is a 3.0, but they requested my transcripts from ACC. Those dropped my GPA to 2.3. Hell!!! But my relief came when I realized that this setback gives me more time. More time to prepare to uproot my life.

So even with the sad news, that I will not be moving as planned this summer to Oregon, I'm happy. In the face of this minor misstep I'm still moving forward and I'm sticking to a decision that I made over two years ago now. I feel like I'm finally living up to the promises I made to myself. I am happy about where I am and where I'm going. In other words, being stuck moving forward never felt so good!

Missing 6

Today as I was perusing the internet for the something to quell my boredom I came across an article about a little girl in Stapleton, Colorado who is spending some of her summer days writing on the sidewalk with her chalk. Some of the residents in her neighborhood actually want to ban sidewalk chalk because it makes the area "less pleasant". I am completely outraged by this. In this same article was a link to a story about a neighborhood in Boston that wants to ban ice cream carts in the park. As you read the article it becomes clear that these parents (uptight trophy wives) don't actually want to deal with their children. One parent is quoted in the article by saying "I should not have to fight with my children every warm day on the playground just so someone can make a living!" This just made me want to scream "WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?"

It made me remember my childhood days.......... When that hauntingly cheerful music would fill the air on a hot summer day you knew what to expect. The ice cream man. Some afternoons my parents would buy my sisters and I ice cream and on other days we would sit sullenly as the truck just continued on down the street. If we even thought about throwing a fit or fighting with them about it; we were punished. Not the flipping ice cream man. I don't even remember my parents running down the street and telling the ice cream not to come back because he made my parents life a living hell. But wait that was back in the days when people still took responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. I'm about to miss the point of this post, but damn did it piss me off!!!!!! The only time I remember a person chasing down the ice cream man was at my older sister's graduation party and that was fall on the ground funny!!!

But anywho these stories about stealing youth made me reminisce about my childhood. And I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be that six year old little girl again, especially on hot days like today.

I remember actually waking up early not because I wanted too, but because I had actually slept all I needed to. The mornings were still cool and the breeze held the aroma of tree blossoms, pollen, and the unexpected. My hardest decision was whether or not I was going to the park to play or go to the pool. Sitting in the kitchen for breakfast full of energy that made me fidget restlessly as I counted down the seconds to my outdoor freedom. On my swing set I could be whomever, or whatever I wanted to be. Armed with chalk I could create in color the worlds I dreamed of. On really hot long days, we would set up the "poor mans" slip and slide in the yard. I promise a large blue tarp is a million times better than the slip'n'slide you can buy at Toys'R'Us. All three of us girls could go down at once. The endless adventures we spent had on our bikes, one of us ended one of those adventures in a pond. The tunnel of the unknown at the top of the street. Christine was the only one of us that was brave enough to go past the light in that tunnel. The day I snuck in and out of my neighbors garage because their cat had just birthed kittens and I couldn't stay away from them! The ice cream man and the limitless possibilities for a cool afternoon treat. My red cowboy boots. Climbing trees and screaming for my dad to get the ladder to get me down. The scary neighbors and the wonderful ones. Mrs. Burcar who lived behind us and let us eat to our hearts and stomachs content off her raspberry bushes. The weird neighbors that moved in a dug a pit in their yard to host a nude mud wrestling party. The apple throwing squirrels. Our landlord, Wes, who probably had a bigger imagination than I. Eating dinner on the porch and dessert at dusk. Listening to the sprinklers as I lay in bed just before the sandman paid a visit.

Oh how I miss 6!!!!!!!

Limbo & Freaking Out!!!!!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately. I have never felt this scared about the direction of my life before. I also never had a plan either. I usually just roll with the punches and have a blast doing so, but right now I'm finding that a little difficult to do.

To say that I'm not a planner is a bit of a lie. I do like to make plans. I like to know what's going on and what is happening, but that is only for the short term. Like "Hey what are we doing this weekend?" But I've never actually had a LIFE plan. I don't know why. I just never planned anything outside of the next few weekends. I know that during the weeks I'm going to work and on the weekends I want to be with friends or family having fun. But right now I'm waiting for the next step of my LIFE plan to unfold and it scars the ever living shit out of me.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I can't really make any plans until one thing happens; getting accepted to school in Oregon. Until that happens I'm just waiting. Waiting and holding my breathe, trying to relax and not freak the fuck out!!!! I'm freaking out though!!!!!!!!!! REALLLLLLLLY FREAKING OUT!

What happens between my boyfriend and I if I do get accepted? We have talked before about breaking things off when and if that happens, however, in the last few months he has made some comments about moving that make me wonder if things will be different. I'm trying hard to not get my hopes up but I know that when that day comes and he bids me farewell I will be crushed. I was really hoping that I would not be in this situation when I started school last year and yet here I am. I followed my heart and I don't know if that will pay off in the end. Don't we all make bets with our hearts when our head tells us not to? I feel like I've made too many bets and I just end up huritng both my heart and my head. So I'm not betting right now, just hoping!

Also after I separated and ultimately divorced from my ex I moved home with my parents. Shortly after that I started school so I stayed there. I thought it would be a little ridiculous to have an apartment that I was never at. Now I'm spending most of my time at my boyfriends house. I don't have any roots anymore. I don't feel like I have any space that I can truly call my own. While this was ok for a little while, I'm finding that I do want a place that I can call my own. A place where all of myself is there and not spread out between two houses. But I can't plan anything until I know where I will be living in the fall.

If I do get accepted to Oregon I don't know a single person that lives there. What will I do for work? Where am I going to live? Have I saved enough money? Do I need to submit an application to live on campus? Is it too late to do that? If my guy moves with me are we going to live together? If I don't get accepted what will I do about school? It might be too late to apply to state schools, which is fine I can still go to the community college I'm going to and then figure it out over the next fall and winter. But then that just brings a new set of questions that I don't even want to start thinking about................ See freaking out and I really have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!

Friendship

"I'm not even going to get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest out of the people I thought the highest of."

In no uncertain terms does this ring true more often than I would like it to. I consider myself to be a good friend. I try hard to make sure I am reliable and available if a friend needs me. I would like to think of myself as giving and understanding. I try to always return phone calls and show up when I said I would be there. I wish that this could be said of more people.

Again I find myself disappointed and sadden by the lack of community and friendship that was shown to me this past week. I am trying to help my parents rebuild their fence that was destroyed by the wind earlier this year. They have a really large back yard and it would cost them an arm and a leg to replace it with contractors. So we decided to have a fence party. I invited a lot of people that I have known and consider friends to come help and in return we would provide food and beverages. I, myself, enjoy things like this. Times where good people come together to help one another out and enjoy each other's company. Many people initially said yes but as the date has drawn near I've been given excuse after excuse as to why they can't come. It's disheartening.

I understand that taking a Saturday out to go build a fence at someones house isn't very exciting, but what happened to the spirit of "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine." I am very grateful to those that are coming and seem to have no issues with it all. As if being together was the sole purpose and the fence building a by-product. These are the people that I want to surround myself with as friends all the time. Those are the ones that you want with you when the figurative "shit hits the fan". Or even possibly literally! They will laugh with you as you try to wipe the shit out of your eyes and try avoid pink eye! And as they laugh they will look for the mop and toss you a beer!

To those friends - Thank you for being you and a wonderful friend! To the others, please see wikipedia's deffinition of friendship and maybe you'll understand why I'm upset! But then again you're probably too busy to read this.

"Friendship of goodness depends on love, on likeness, on recognition, on reciprocity, on activity, on quality of characters, and on sharing of life", as understood by Aristotle.

Update....... Creepy Office Pets!!!

I found this over the weekend at Walgreen's! I am so happy!!!! I think I'm going to have to get more too!

Introducing....

Dook, Talanz, and Nummymuffin!!!!

I think they are way better then the creepy office cat!!!!

Ok.... Now What?!

Beetle

To see a beetle in your dream indicates that some destructive influences may be at work in your waking life.  You may also feel that your values and beliefs are being compromised.

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.

Friend

To see your childhood friend in your dream signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities.  Things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend suggests that you have been acting in a childish manner. You need to start acting like an adult.

Crying

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

That just about sums up the dream I had last night. I've been stuck in the funky mood ever since......... So now what!?! And WHY can't I ever dream of rainbows and lollipops?!!!!!! 

Pass the Apple Butter Please!

Over the past year I've really stretched my wings and expanded my comfort zone. I have allowed myself to open up in ways that I haven't ever in the past and I'm absolutely loving every minute of it. For the first time I finally feel like I'm living the life I am meant to. I used to believe that I was a homebody. When I was married I would go to work and then go home and spend the rest of my evening parked in front of the TV wondering if this was all there was. Now I'm constantly looking forward to the next adventure and wondering where am I off to next weekend.

Last spring there wasn't a single weekend that I wasn't going to a concert and there are plenty of stories to tell from all of that. I starting dating my current boyfriend and then we starting going on adventures together. During the summer we were busy every weekend with concerts, back packing, hiking, traveling, and rafting. Sometimes all of it in one weekend! It was busy and wonderful. I have met a lot of new people and made some great new friendships. I really have enjoyed it all but.....

I do sometimes miss time at home. I miss being able to wake up on the weekends and have the house all to myself. I miss making coffee and sitting on the patio reading while enjoying it. I miss just being at home. A couple of weekends ago I got my wish. The day was a little busy with running errands and picking up my pooch! But that evening my boyfriend and I had no plans at all. When I arrived at his house he was in the process of making apple butter. Over the next three hours we had finished the task and polished off two bottles of red wine. We were able to be goofy and drunk and we didn't have to worry about who or what was around. We also didn't have to worry about who was going to drive us home! By the end of the night we had finished three bottles of wine, had a wonderful dinner, and made apple butter for our pancakes the next day! I have to honestly say that even though we weren't going out and being our normal busy selves, I had one of the best times!

Here's to all the things that make home.... home! And so wonderful!!! (in no particular order)

Showers
Bed
Pillows
Candles
Pets
My Music As Loud As I Want It
Midnight Snacks
Coffee
Ice Cream!!!
And now... Apple Butter!!!! Yummy!

Office Pets

When I first started my new job in May of last year there was a broom closet next to my desk. Not actually a broom closet. But most of the higher ups considered this office to be lacking in space and therefore it remained empty for some time. In about June I took an unplanned three week sebatical and when I returned to work the office had an occupant. At first I didn't even notice. I didn't know who it was and he didn't affect my job in any way. He was an easy going old guy who was quick with a smile and a pleasant compliment. To my dismay he retired. The office was again empty although it was often full of visitors cleaning out the files and claiming back the items that belonged in their department. There isn't much more that I hate during my work day then loud talkers so I was glad to have it be silent again.

That happiness was short lived. I have a new roommate. I long for the days of old, when I wondered why no one invaded that space. I wish that they would just take the office down. Although it does block me from unwanted traffic. My new roommate is an older woman who lives at work. Or atleast you would think that if you looked in her office. She has an insane amount of personal items in there. Knick knacks and the works. She is also a personal space invader. I soooo wish this was a game! An office supply stealer! She had the nerve to make security track down her stolen coat rack but had no problems about using my desk to store her extra crap when she moved in, but also took things from my desk on her way out. She can also be somewhat of a busybody! She just hits waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy to many of my pet peeves for this to work out. I'm not sure if loud talker is on that list but it should be. I spend my day at work with my headphones on and I can still hear her on the phone.


But the worst has to be the really creepy fake cat in its own bed. Now if that wasn't creepy enough..... she moves it around in her office weekly. I think this thing is planning an escape. Today the poor thing is the door stop. It stares at me with its fake eyes and cries for me to release it from its stuffed hell. I can't bare to look at it for too long. I once tried to free a vacuum from a friend's neighbor at midnight. I felt so bad for the poor thing. But this cat.... I want nothing to do with it. However, it has given me an idea.

I need a creepy office pet that I can move around my desk. But I want it to be small enough that you would have to look pretty hard to find it. So if you know of anyting like this please, please please let me know!!!! I need something to keep me entertained at work!

Shadows of Love

I have very vivid dreams. Quite often in fact. My dreams are so real that I can taste, smell, and remember how things felt in the dream. It can be terrible and exciting all at the same time. I remember pondering at one point if I was seeing my other life through my dreams. That maybe, in my subconscious, I was connected to my alternate version of myself living in another universe. At night we would meet and compare our lives. Let me tell you... Sometimes her life is waaaaayyyy better then mine. But most of the time I see myself die in my dreams and I'm not really sure what that is about. But other times I get to see some of the wonderful and thrilling adventures she gets to go on.

The most vivid one I remember recently was a few nights ago. I believe it was on the 1st, well the 2nd if we're getting technical. I was dreaming that I was at work. Not my actual work, it was some weird store and I was there at night. I went out to have a cigarette on break and I wanted to be left alone. I still remember the creepy feeling that I had at this moment in the dream. Someone was watching me, every move, everything I did. I got into my car and drove to the other side of the parking lot. There he was the guy that was watching me. He was standing next to a large dark black suburban. He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora. he was under a light which cast dark shadows on his face. I never saw his face not once. I was having a problem parking my car, I continually ran over the curb and would have to back up. So at one point he as able to get over to the passenger side of the car. I cracked the window and he said "Mary I am here to guide you on a journey. I have this key for you. But before you can take it you have to agree to my terms." I said ok what are the terms. (The key looked so cool I was game even with out the terms!). He said "You have to finish every quest even if it scares you and by finish I mean that you have to find the answer to whatever the question is at the start. Until you do you will not be able to leave or move on. You can't change anything while you are there. You also have to tell the truth no matter how bad it is no matter how hard it is at all times. Do you think you can handle this?" I said yes I believe I can. He placed the key in my hands and said "Well then let me welcome you to the Shadows of Love Journey."

With that my boyfriend rolled over in bed waking me from the dream. In those first few seconds between dream and reality I thought he was troll and gasped and cried out in fear. When I realized what had happened I was so mad that the dream was gone. I really want to know what that journey was all about. What is my subconscious trying to tell me here? I've had some really weird dreams, a lot of adventure dreams, and a lot of them ending in death. I've never had one where I was given a quest. I hope that this dream happens again and this time interruption free!!!

Romance.... Lost

Whenever I watch TV or movies and there is an overly romantic lead male it gives me this deep feeling of sadness in my chest. It's not that I don't have a great boyfriend, I do! It's just that I have never had a guy do the disgustingly romantic stuff that you see in the movies. It leaves me with this stupid ache, you know the one! The one that nags at you screaming you deserve that, how come your guy doesn't do that for you? Ahhh this is the shit that makes girls go crazy! Why does Hollywood make these guys? Are girls supposed to have terrible neuroses about how unromantic our real lives are? It just isn't fair. Do truly romantic men really exist? And if so where? God damn it! Tell me!!!!

It's not just Hollywood. I am lucky enough to have parents who married right out of high school and are still married. Like any couple they have had their ups and downs, but over the years I've seen what a good marriage really looks like. I've also been witness to my fathers many romantic moments with my mother. Ewww that sounds gross! No I haven't been there for all the gory details. But I listened as my mother read a poem that my dad wrote for her. He has made her beautiful birthday cakes, surprised her with flowers, and has on many occasions cooked absolutely wonderful dinners with the candles and all!

So I'm just going to throw this out to the world and see if I get anything back!

Where is my bed of roses? I would love to be surprised with some super luxurious vacation to an exotic destination. Cook me a dinner on a night that I would least expect it. Back rubs! I think that I deserve a little bit of romance. Example my ex husband proposed by giving me a box and saying here's your ring do you want to get married? WTF! Get creative and romance me. All girls like it every once in a while!!! And no I don't mean your bad romance. I've had enough of those to last a life time!

Saving Our Oceans

It's hard for me to be an advocate for the world's oceans while I live in a landlocked state. However, I do what I can to help others learn as much as possible about the devastation that goes on there. I could have made my entire blog about this subject, but instead I will leave it to those who are more eloquent then myself; such as "Her Deepness" Sylvia Earle, and Brian Skerry, to tell you about it. I stumbled across these in my never ending quest for knowledge. Please go and watch these videos and then find a way that you can help! Whether it's to eat less fish, recycle, and demand that our oceans are protected! We simply cannot let this beautiful wonder go to waste!

http://www.ted.com/themes/a_taste_of_mission_blue_voyage.html

"I hope, Jill, that one day there is evidence of  intelligence among humans on this planet!" - Sylvia Earle

To Sleep Per Chance To EAT...?

The beginning of the new year always brings about new resolutions. Those pesky lists that we make that will lead us to a be a better person. I make mental notes whenever the new year roles around but I never seem to live up to my own expectations. This year I would like to change that. So as 2012 roles in I would like to lose weight, eat better, drink less, and get more sleep!

Getting more sleep should be at the top of a lot of lists this year. It seems that loss of sleep is becoming quite a problem these days. So much in fact that drug makers have made hundreds of dollars selling sleep aids. Not to mention the amount of money that is spent everyday at coffee shops around the world! Coffee, in my opinion however, is a drink for any time of day. This might actually explain some of my sleep problems! ;)

While some people might need to take all of those drugs to sleep, I will choose to stay away! It seems that some of the side affects are worse then waking up in the morning needing an extra surge of caffeine to get through the day. Take Ambien for example...

Warnings and Precautions

Need to evaluate for co-morbid (what?) diagnoses: Revaluate if insomnia persists after 7 to 10 days of use.

Sever anaphalactic/anaphylactoid: Angioedema and anaphalyxis have been reported. Do not rechallenge if such reactions occur. (Nice! Some of these reactions end in death, how could you "rechallenge"?)

Abnormal thinking, behavioral changes, complex behaviors: May include "sleep-driving" and hallucinations. Immediately evaluate any new onset behavioral changes. (Ok I'll be the first to admit that I've almost fallen asleep while driving, but I think "sleep-driving" is different. And I'll stick to normal ways of hallucinating thank you!)

Or how about Lunesta... Sleep on the wings of an angel (sounds really nice doesn't it!)

After taking Lunesta you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing. The next morning you may not remember that you did anything during the night. You have a higher chance for doing these activities if you drink alcohol or take other medicines that make you sleepy with Lunesta. Reported activities include:

• driving a car
• making and eating food (do calories really count if you're sleeping)
• talking on the phone (is that like drunk dialing?)
• having sex (this could be fun)
• sleep-walking

If I were to try to take any of these sleep medications I might never sleep again. I already have enough problems when I'm sleeping. I have diagnosed myself with sleep tourettes. If you think it might be funny to wake up in the middle of the night next to someone screaming profanities at the top of their lungs at you try sleeping with me! I've been know to call my boyfriend a mother fucker, asshole, dick, and other meaningless names that I would never call him during awake hours.

I am also extremely violent in my sleep. Acting out some of the strange dreams I have where I'm a boxing champ, or burning someone with my cigarette. This happened on a camping trip my boyfriend was trying to wake me up and almost ended up with black eye when I tried to elbow him off of me. I've punched him in the back and smacked him across the face. I've woken up screaming in fear and crying. I also laugh hysterically. You could even hold a conversation with me.

So for now I will try to sleep naturally and when that fails I'm taking melatonin. If that fails get ready to deal with one grouchy human loaded up on caffeine! So here I come new year.... are you ready!?!