Those Days

I have those days when I need to rant and rave. It doesn't happen often and I know that it's way less then it ever used to be. But lately I feel it. I feel it building. I feel as if I'm on a precipice of my own blind rage. It's gonna happen. I'm going to break down and I'm going to be crazy for a little while when it happens. I just hope I don't burn any bridges in my wake. The real question is why?

School started this week. That is not a bad thing, in fact I'm really enjoying it. But I'm in class 4 nights a week until 8:45 pm at the latest. This makes my schedule very difficult to work out. I'm trying to diet right now and it seems like I barely have time to make my lunch at night for the next day let alone find time now to study. I know that I will work out all the kinks in the next few weeks but right now it's stressful.

There is also the outside factors of this as well. Unbeknownst to me, my French teacher was hired just 5 days before the start of class. So in my effort to be prepared for class I ordered my books online two weeks ago. Guess what!?! I have the wrong French book, and now the one I need is on back order. I feel like I shot myself in the foot with that one. Thankfully no one in my class has the book so homework will be a little off schedule for all of us and I won't be the only one behind. And again that will all be solved by next week.

My phone committed Harry Carey. WTF!?! I plugged it in on Sunday night to charge and the thing felt like it was going to catch on fire. The battery is dead.... Dead and will never, ever, work again. So Monday I called my service provider and they said come on in and we can see if it's under warranty. This lead to TMobile wasting my 1/2 an hour lunch break. Why the hell they couldn't tell me over the phone that my battery wasn't under warranty and they couldn't replace it is beyond me. The sales rep also told me and I am eligible for an upgrade. Wow that upgrade saves me maybe $50.00. I don't have time right now to shop for a phone. So I ordered a battery online and I'm phone less until Friday which makes my life that much more difficult. I can't call anyone as I only know a few numbers by heart. And if for some reason I need to make an emergency call..... I'm SOL. Why did this all have to happen this week!!!!

Stress relief will be hard to come by too. I recently picked up running. I am really starting to enjoy it. Well I haven't run since Sunday. I haven't been able to find the time. I am not the type of person to get up a 5:00 am, but I may need to now if I still want to do it. Also since my phone died I have no music to listen to. If you know me at all, you know I NEED music. It helped me keep up my pace, and it helped me push on when I didn't want to keep running. I'm sure I can run with out it, but I enjoyed it so much more with it.

So what the hell. Maybe I should just call this week a wash in the long run. I will have my French book next week and my phone. So those two things will be solved by then. I hope that I can work my schedule out with work, school, running, and dieting by next week so I'm not a sleep deprived bitch. Even though my time is thin, I'm hoping to let it all sink in. To just breathe and be, so I can be happy once again. I may also need to hire a maid to do my laundry..... Anyone willing to work for free?!!!!!!!!

To My Son

Dear Sam,
A wonderful life is what I have always wanted for you. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant I knew that this child, you, needed parents that would not only love you, but protect, cherish, and provide for you. At the tender age of 17 I knew that I was not that parent, nor was your birth father. Yes I could provide love and I would, and do, cherish you; but I could not provide for you. It was not an easy decision to give you away, but it was the right one. I hope that you never question that. I also hope that you know I made that choice out of love for you. It was all I could do for you.

In life you will face many obstacles. I know that you have an amazing support system to see you through every one of them, but I want to give you some things to think about. These are lessons I have learned the hard way! I wouldn't change any of it, but Sam, trust me when I say it has been hard! So keep this tucked away and when you need some strength or inspiration I hope you can take out this letter and find it.

Education - A deep desire to know the world around you. A great education will bring that to you. Find a way to make learning a passion! Your fiercest weapon will be your brain, use it to its fullest potential. Read! Reading can take you to places far beyond the reaches of your feet. Write! It can heal a broken heart, help make decisions, and a pen and piece of paper can create the world that lives in your dreams.

Love - In all its forms; Love! Love yourself, your family, and your friends. Love without expectations, love openly and honestly. With grace, humility, honor, and respect. I have found one of the harder lessons that I have learned is to love with forgiveness. Try not to hold a grudge, it takes up too much time and effort. I hope that you will find a great love one day. One that will be worthy of making history! Relationships can be hard at times, but if you know how to love you can get through anything together. Love with patience. Love with tenderness, and above all, love with passion!

Travel - "The world is a book and those who don't travel read only one page" - Saint Augustine
Don't just do the "tourist" things. Take time to immerse yourself with all there is where ever you go. Learn about the culture, the way of life, eat their food, and learn to speak their language. Dip your toes in the water, touch the earth, and leave no trace.

Passion! Passion in everything you do! Music, just listen to it! Play hard! Play fair! Be strong and learn when to ask for help. Don't wait, never hesistate. Take risks! Jump! Learn how to fall and get back up. Always remember where home is. Feel the wind! Be kind!

I have so much more to say and to give, but I think those are things you already know. To see the wonderful young man that you have become has made my heart so full. All the things in life that I wanted for you; you have. For that I am eternally grateful to your amazing parents; Susan and Gordon. I could not ask for anyone better to be your Mom and Dad. With out them I'm not sure where you and I would be in this life. I am blessed to have you all as a part of my life too. There are a lot of people in this world who were given up by their birth parents for various reasons, and I don't think any of them are as lucky as we are. I love you Sam and I always will!

Love,
Mary

Stuck Moving Forward

A few weeks ago I stayed up until 1:00 am freaking out about not being prepared to uproot my life and move. I made plans to go back to school for Marine Biology and I have been working hard for the last year and a half to make that happen. My high school career was somewhat tumultuous to say the least and I never took my SAT's. So I was told by the school that I want to attend that I would need to take one year of college English and Math in order to transfer. So I did just that. After completing those requirements I sent in my application to Oregon and waited.... and waited.

My brain was over loaded with fears about not having any where to live and I would still need to continue working while I'm in school and I don't have a job lined up. I don't even know how one picks up and starts over some where else. I don't have any friends that live up there, nor family that I could stay with until I get on my feet. Everything was just slipping through my fingers and I was scared!

Well the decision came and with it I have feelings of sadness and relief. My application was denied. I spent one night crying, just one. The next day I picked up the phone to find out why. My GPA was 0.2 points too low and I needed 2 full years of high school french and I only had 1.5. I was even more upset when I found out that my GPA at my current school, Red Rocks, is a 3.0, but they requested my transcripts from ACC. Those dropped my GPA to 2.3. Hell!!! But my relief came when I realized that this setback gives me more time. More time to prepare to uproot my life.

So even with the sad news, that I will not be moving as planned this summer to Oregon, I'm happy. In the face of this minor misstep I'm still moving forward and I'm sticking to a decision that I made over two years ago now. I feel like I'm finally living up to the promises I made to myself. I am happy about where I am and where I'm going. In other words, being stuck moving forward never felt so good!