Limbo & Freaking Out!!!!!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately. I have never felt this scared about the direction of my life before. I also never had a plan either. I usually just roll with the punches and have a blast doing so, but right now I'm finding that a little difficult to do.

To say that I'm not a planner is a bit of a lie. I do like to make plans. I like to know what's going on and what is happening, but that is only for the short term. Like "Hey what are we doing this weekend?" But I've never actually had a LIFE plan. I don't know why. I just never planned anything outside of the next few weekends. I know that during the weeks I'm going to work and on the weekends I want to be with friends or family having fun. But right now I'm waiting for the next step of my LIFE plan to unfold and it scars the ever living shit out of me.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I can't really make any plans until one thing happens; getting accepted to school in Oregon. Until that happens I'm just waiting. Waiting and holding my breathe, trying to relax and not freak the fuck out!!!! I'm freaking out though!!!!!!!!!! REALLLLLLLLY FREAKING OUT!

What happens between my boyfriend and I if I do get accepted? We have talked before about breaking things off when and if that happens, however, in the last few months he has made some comments about moving that make me wonder if things will be different. I'm trying hard to not get my hopes up but I know that when that day comes and he bids me farewell I will be crushed. I was really hoping that I would not be in this situation when I started school last year and yet here I am. I followed my heart and I don't know if that will pay off in the end. Don't we all make bets with our hearts when our head tells us not to? I feel like I've made too many bets and I just end up huritng both my heart and my head. So I'm not betting right now, just hoping!

Also after I separated and ultimately divorced from my ex I moved home with my parents. Shortly after that I started school so I stayed there. I thought it would be a little ridiculous to have an apartment that I was never at. Now I'm spending most of my time at my boyfriends house. I don't have any roots anymore. I don't feel like I have any space that I can truly call my own. While this was ok for a little while, I'm finding that I do want a place that I can call my own. A place where all of myself is there and not spread out between two houses. But I can't plan anything until I know where I will be living in the fall.

If I do get accepted to Oregon I don't know a single person that lives there. What will I do for work? Where am I going to live? Have I saved enough money? Do I need to submit an application to live on campus? Is it too late to do that? If my guy moves with me are we going to live together? If I don't get accepted what will I do about school? It might be too late to apply to state schools, which is fine I can still go to the community college I'm going to and then figure it out over the next fall and winter. But then that just brings a new set of questions that I don't even want to start thinking about................ See freaking out and I really have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!

Friendship

"I'm not even going to get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest out of the people I thought the highest of."

In no uncertain terms does this ring true more often than I would like it to. I consider myself to be a good friend. I try hard to make sure I am reliable and available if a friend needs me. I would like to think of myself as giving and understanding. I try to always return phone calls and show up when I said I would be there. I wish that this could be said of more people.

Again I find myself disappointed and sadden by the lack of community and friendship that was shown to me this past week. I am trying to help my parents rebuild their fence that was destroyed by the wind earlier this year. They have a really large back yard and it would cost them an arm and a leg to replace it with contractors. So we decided to have a fence party. I invited a lot of people that I have known and consider friends to come help and in return we would provide food and beverages. I, myself, enjoy things like this. Times where good people come together to help one another out and enjoy each other's company. Many people initially said yes but as the date has drawn near I've been given excuse after excuse as to why they can't come. It's disheartening.

I understand that taking a Saturday out to go build a fence at someones house isn't very exciting, but what happened to the spirit of "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine." I am very grateful to those that are coming and seem to have no issues with it all. As if being together was the sole purpose and the fence building a by-product. These are the people that I want to surround myself with as friends all the time. Those are the ones that you want with you when the figurative "shit hits the fan". Or even possibly literally! They will laugh with you as you try to wipe the shit out of your eyes and try avoid pink eye! And as they laugh they will look for the mop and toss you a beer!

To those friends - Thank you for being you and a wonderful friend! To the others, please see wikipedia's deffinition of friendship and maybe you'll understand why I'm upset! But then again you're probably too busy to read this.

"Friendship of goodness depends on love, on likeness, on recognition, on reciprocity, on activity, on quality of characters, and on sharing of life", as understood by Aristotle.

Update....... Creepy Office Pets!!!

I found this over the weekend at Walgreen's! I am so happy!!!! I think I'm going to have to get more too!

Introducing....

Dook, Talanz, and Nummymuffin!!!!

I think they are way better then the creepy office cat!!!!

Ok.... Now What?!

Beetle

To see a beetle in your dream indicates that some destructive influences may be at work in your waking life.  You may also feel that your values and beliefs are being compromised.

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.

Friend

To see your childhood friend in your dream signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities.  Things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend suggests that you have been acting in a childish manner. You need to start acting like an adult.

Crying

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

That just about sums up the dream I had last night. I've been stuck in the funky mood ever since......... So now what!?! And WHY can't I ever dream of rainbows and lollipops?!!!!!! 

Pass the Apple Butter Please!

Over the past year I've really stretched my wings and expanded my comfort zone. I have allowed myself to open up in ways that I haven't ever in the past and I'm absolutely loving every minute of it. For the first time I finally feel like I'm living the life I am meant to. I used to believe that I was a homebody. When I was married I would go to work and then go home and spend the rest of my evening parked in front of the TV wondering if this was all there was. Now I'm constantly looking forward to the next adventure and wondering where am I off to next weekend.

Last spring there wasn't a single weekend that I wasn't going to a concert and there are plenty of stories to tell from all of that. I starting dating my current boyfriend and then we starting going on adventures together. During the summer we were busy every weekend with concerts, back packing, hiking, traveling, and rafting. Sometimes all of it in one weekend! It was busy and wonderful. I have met a lot of new people and made some great new friendships. I really have enjoyed it all but.....

I do sometimes miss time at home. I miss being able to wake up on the weekends and have the house all to myself. I miss making coffee and sitting on the patio reading while enjoying it. I miss just being at home. A couple of weekends ago I got my wish. The day was a little busy with running errands and picking up my pooch! But that evening my boyfriend and I had no plans at all. When I arrived at his house he was in the process of making apple butter. Over the next three hours we had finished the task and polished off two bottles of red wine. We were able to be goofy and drunk and we didn't have to worry about who or what was around. We also didn't have to worry about who was going to drive us home! By the end of the night we had finished three bottles of wine, had a wonderful dinner, and made apple butter for our pancakes the next day! I have to honestly say that even though we weren't going out and being our normal busy selves, I had one of the best times!

Here's to all the things that make home.... home! And so wonderful!!! (in no particular order)

Showers
Bed
Pillows
Candles
Pets
My Music As Loud As I Want It
Midnight Snacks
Coffee
Ice Cream!!!
And now... Apple Butter!!!! Yummy!

Office Pets

When I first started my new job in May of last year there was a broom closet next to my desk. Not actually a broom closet. But most of the higher ups considered this office to be lacking in space and therefore it remained empty for some time. In about June I took an unplanned three week sebatical and when I returned to work the office had an occupant. At first I didn't even notice. I didn't know who it was and he didn't affect my job in any way. He was an easy going old guy who was quick with a smile and a pleasant compliment. To my dismay he retired. The office was again empty although it was often full of visitors cleaning out the files and claiming back the items that belonged in their department. There isn't much more that I hate during my work day then loud talkers so I was glad to have it be silent again.

That happiness was short lived. I have a new roommate. I long for the days of old, when I wondered why no one invaded that space. I wish that they would just take the office down. Although it does block me from unwanted traffic. My new roommate is an older woman who lives at work. Or atleast you would think that if you looked in her office. She has an insane amount of personal items in there. Knick knacks and the works. She is also a personal space invader. I soooo wish this was a game! An office supply stealer! She had the nerve to make security track down her stolen coat rack but had no problems about using my desk to store her extra crap when she moved in, but also took things from my desk on her way out. She can also be somewhat of a busybody! She just hits waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy to many of my pet peeves for this to work out. I'm not sure if loud talker is on that list but it should be. I spend my day at work with my headphones on and I can still hear her on the phone.


But the worst has to be the really creepy fake cat in its own bed. Now if that wasn't creepy enough..... she moves it around in her office weekly. I think this thing is planning an escape. Today the poor thing is the door stop. It stares at me with its fake eyes and cries for me to release it from its stuffed hell. I can't bare to look at it for too long. I once tried to free a vacuum from a friend's neighbor at midnight. I felt so bad for the poor thing. But this cat.... I want nothing to do with it. However, it has given me an idea.

I need a creepy office pet that I can move around my desk. But I want it to be small enough that you would have to look pretty hard to find it. So if you know of anyting like this please, please please let me know!!!! I need something to keep me entertained at work!

Shadows of Love

I have very vivid dreams. Quite often in fact. My dreams are so real that I can taste, smell, and remember how things felt in the dream. It can be terrible and exciting all at the same time. I remember pondering at one point if I was seeing my other life through my dreams. That maybe, in my subconscious, I was connected to my alternate version of myself living in another universe. At night we would meet and compare our lives. Let me tell you... Sometimes her life is waaaaayyyy better then mine. But most of the time I see myself die in my dreams and I'm not really sure what that is about. But other times I get to see some of the wonderful and thrilling adventures she gets to go on.

The most vivid one I remember recently was a few nights ago. I believe it was on the 1st, well the 2nd if we're getting technical. I was dreaming that I was at work. Not my actual work, it was some weird store and I was there at night. I went out to have a cigarette on break and I wanted to be left alone. I still remember the creepy feeling that I had at this moment in the dream. Someone was watching me, every move, everything I did. I got into my car and drove to the other side of the parking lot. There he was the guy that was watching me. He was standing next to a large dark black suburban. He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora. he was under a light which cast dark shadows on his face. I never saw his face not once. I was having a problem parking my car, I continually ran over the curb and would have to back up. So at one point he as able to get over to the passenger side of the car. I cracked the window and he said "Mary I am here to guide you on a journey. I have this key for you. But before you can take it you have to agree to my terms." I said ok what are the terms. (The key looked so cool I was game even with out the terms!). He said "You have to finish every quest even if it scares you and by finish I mean that you have to find the answer to whatever the question is at the start. Until you do you will not be able to leave or move on. You can't change anything while you are there. You also have to tell the truth no matter how bad it is no matter how hard it is at all times. Do you think you can handle this?" I said yes I believe I can. He placed the key in my hands and said "Well then let me welcome you to the Shadows of Love Journey."

With that my boyfriend rolled over in bed waking me from the dream. In those first few seconds between dream and reality I thought he was troll and gasped and cried out in fear. When I realized what had happened I was so mad that the dream was gone. I really want to know what that journey was all about. What is my subconscious trying to tell me here? I've had some really weird dreams, a lot of adventure dreams, and a lot of them ending in death. I've never had one where I was given a quest. I hope that this dream happens again and this time interruption free!!!