Coffee and Eggs S'il Vous Plait

My alarm clock has become an enemy. A piercing intruder of my dreams as it screams at me to start the day regardless of my reluctance. I hate it. I wish that I could turn it off and crawl back under the warm covers and sleep. But alas this is my life; waking to the raucous alarm to start the day with a body and brain that will remain half asleep as I struggle through the day.

I'm not even sure how I'm retaining anything that I'm learning in school. I can barely remember what I did last weekend. Coffee.... Coffee... Un Cafe.... Un Cafe. My beverage of choice to get me through the day does not help with memory issues. The pleasure I seek in the bottom of the cup has become a need, so too my moment of pleasure ruined by haste.

Eggs dropping from the sky... This should be a dream but it is my reality. And I'm spinning in circles building a device that will let it fall unharmed. Maybe I can drop it in a cup of coffee? A cappuccino perhaps all that foam to pad the fall?

My dreams are no escape either... I'm dreaming in franglais gibberish. Nothing in my dreams makes sense anymore and I wake up just as confused as when I went to bed. How do I continue like this...

A egg carrying, coffee slurping, french hacking zombie? Especially when all I want is this!!!

Those Days

I have those days when I need to rant and rave. It doesn't happen often and I know that it's way less then it ever used to be. But lately I feel it. I feel it building. I feel as if I'm on a precipice of my own blind rage. It's gonna happen. I'm going to break down and I'm going to be crazy for a little while when it happens. I just hope I don't burn any bridges in my wake. The real question is why?

School started this week. That is not a bad thing, in fact I'm really enjoying it. But I'm in class 4 nights a week until 8:45 pm at the latest. This makes my schedule very difficult to work out. I'm trying to diet right now and it seems like I barely have time to make my lunch at night for the next day let alone find time now to study. I know that I will work out all the kinks in the next few weeks but right now it's stressful.

There is also the outside factors of this as well. Unbeknownst to me, my French teacher was hired just 5 days before the start of class. So in my effort to be prepared for class I ordered my books online two weeks ago. Guess what!?! I have the wrong French book, and now the one I need is on back order. I feel like I shot myself in the foot with that one. Thankfully no one in my class has the book so homework will be a little off schedule for all of us and I won't be the only one behind. And again that will all be solved by next week.

My phone committed Harry Carey. WTF!?! I plugged it in on Sunday night to charge and the thing felt like it was going to catch on fire. The battery is dead.... Dead and will never, ever, work again. So Monday I called my service provider and they said come on in and we can see if it's under warranty. This lead to TMobile wasting my 1/2 an hour lunch break. Why the hell they couldn't tell me over the phone that my battery wasn't under warranty and they couldn't replace it is beyond me. The sales rep also told me and I am eligible for an upgrade. Wow that upgrade saves me maybe $50.00. I don't have time right now to shop for a phone. So I ordered a battery online and I'm phone less until Friday which makes my life that much more difficult. I can't call anyone as I only know a few numbers by heart. And if for some reason I need to make an emergency call..... I'm SOL. Why did this all have to happen this week!!!!

Stress relief will be hard to come by too. I recently picked up running. I am really starting to enjoy it. Well I haven't run since Sunday. I haven't been able to find the time. I am not the type of person to get up a 5:00 am, but I may need to now if I still want to do it. Also since my phone died I have no music to listen to. If you know me at all, you know I NEED music. It helped me keep up my pace, and it helped me push on when I didn't want to keep running. I'm sure I can run with out it, but I enjoyed it so much more with it.

So what the hell. Maybe I should just call this week a wash in the long run. I will have my French book next week and my phone. So those two things will be solved by then. I hope that I can work my schedule out with work, school, running, and dieting by next week so I'm not a sleep deprived bitch. Even though my time is thin, I'm hoping to let it all sink in. To just breathe and be, so I can be happy once again. I may also need to hire a maid to do my laundry..... Anyone willing to work for free?!!!!!!!!

To My Son

Dear Sam,
A wonderful life is what I have always wanted for you. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant I knew that this child, you, needed parents that would not only love you, but protect, cherish, and provide for you. At the tender age of 17 I knew that I was not that parent, nor was your birth father. Yes I could provide love and I would, and do, cherish you; but I could not provide for you. It was not an easy decision to give you away, but it was the right one. I hope that you never question that. I also hope that you know I made that choice out of love for you. It was all I could do for you.

In life you will face many obstacles. I know that you have an amazing support system to see you through every one of them, but I want to give you some things to think about. These are lessons I have learned the hard way! I wouldn't change any of it, but Sam, trust me when I say it has been hard! So keep this tucked away and when you need some strength or inspiration I hope you can take out this letter and find it.

Education - A deep desire to know the world around you. A great education will bring that to you. Find a way to make learning a passion! Your fiercest weapon will be your brain, use it to its fullest potential. Read! Reading can take you to places far beyond the reaches of your feet. Write! It can heal a broken heart, help make decisions, and a pen and piece of paper can create the world that lives in your dreams.

Love - In all its forms; Love! Love yourself, your family, and your friends. Love without expectations, love openly and honestly. With grace, humility, honor, and respect. I have found one of the harder lessons that I have learned is to love with forgiveness. Try not to hold a grudge, it takes up too much time and effort. I hope that you will find a great love one day. One that will be worthy of making history! Relationships can be hard at times, but if you know how to love you can get through anything together. Love with patience. Love with tenderness, and above all, love with passion!

Travel - "The world is a book and those who don't travel read only one page" - Saint Augustine
Don't just do the "tourist" things. Take time to immerse yourself with all there is where ever you go. Learn about the culture, the way of life, eat their food, and learn to speak their language. Dip your toes in the water, touch the earth, and leave no trace.

Passion! Passion in everything you do! Music, just listen to it! Play hard! Play fair! Be strong and learn when to ask for help. Don't wait, never hesistate. Take risks! Jump! Learn how to fall and get back up. Always remember where home is. Feel the wind! Be kind!

I have so much more to say and to give, but I think those are things you already know. To see the wonderful young man that you have become has made my heart so full. All the things in life that I wanted for you; you have. For that I am eternally grateful to your amazing parents; Susan and Gordon. I could not ask for anyone better to be your Mom and Dad. With out them I'm not sure where you and I would be in this life. I am blessed to have you all as a part of my life too. There are a lot of people in this world who were given up by their birth parents for various reasons, and I don't think any of them are as lucky as we are. I love you Sam and I always will!

Love,
Mary

Stuck Moving Forward

A few weeks ago I stayed up until 1:00 am freaking out about not being prepared to uproot my life and move. I made plans to go back to school for Marine Biology and I have been working hard for the last year and a half to make that happen. My high school career was somewhat tumultuous to say the least and I never took my SAT's. So I was told by the school that I want to attend that I would need to take one year of college English and Math in order to transfer. So I did just that. After completing those requirements I sent in my application to Oregon and waited.... and waited.

My brain was over loaded with fears about not having any where to live and I would still need to continue working while I'm in school and I don't have a job lined up. I don't even know how one picks up and starts over some where else. I don't have any friends that live up there, nor family that I could stay with until I get on my feet. Everything was just slipping through my fingers and I was scared!

Well the decision came and with it I have feelings of sadness and relief. My application was denied. I spent one night crying, just one. The next day I picked up the phone to find out why. My GPA was 0.2 points too low and I needed 2 full years of high school french and I only had 1.5. I was even more upset when I found out that my GPA at my current school, Red Rocks, is a 3.0, but they requested my transcripts from ACC. Those dropped my GPA to 2.3. Hell!!! But my relief came when I realized that this setback gives me more time. More time to prepare to uproot my life.

So even with the sad news, that I will not be moving as planned this summer to Oregon, I'm happy. In the face of this minor misstep I'm still moving forward and I'm sticking to a decision that I made over two years ago now. I feel like I'm finally living up to the promises I made to myself. I am happy about where I am and where I'm going. In other words, being stuck moving forward never felt so good!

Missing 6

Today as I was perusing the internet for the something to quell my boredom I came across an article about a little girl in Stapleton, Colorado who is spending some of her summer days writing on the sidewalk with her chalk. Some of the residents in her neighborhood actually want to ban sidewalk chalk because it makes the area "less pleasant". I am completely outraged by this. In this same article was a link to a story about a neighborhood in Boston that wants to ban ice cream carts in the park. As you read the article it becomes clear that these parents (uptight trophy wives) don't actually want to deal with their children. One parent is quoted in the article by saying "I should not have to fight with my children every warm day on the playground just so someone can make a living!" This just made me want to scream "WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?"

It made me remember my childhood days.......... When that hauntingly cheerful music would fill the air on a hot summer day you knew what to expect. The ice cream man. Some afternoons my parents would buy my sisters and I ice cream and on other days we would sit sullenly as the truck just continued on down the street. If we even thought about throwing a fit or fighting with them about it; we were punished. Not the flipping ice cream man. I don't even remember my parents running down the street and telling the ice cream not to come back because he made my parents life a living hell. But wait that was back in the days when people still took responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. I'm about to miss the point of this post, but damn did it piss me off!!!!!! The only time I remember a person chasing down the ice cream man was at my older sister's graduation party and that was fall on the ground funny!!!

But anywho these stories about stealing youth made me reminisce about my childhood. And I can't tell you how much I would prefer to be that six year old little girl again, especially on hot days like today.

I remember actually waking up early not because I wanted too, but because I had actually slept all I needed to. The mornings were still cool and the breeze held the aroma of tree blossoms, pollen, and the unexpected. My hardest decision was whether or not I was going to the park to play or go to the pool. Sitting in the kitchen for breakfast full of energy that made me fidget restlessly as I counted down the seconds to my outdoor freedom. On my swing set I could be whomever, or whatever I wanted to be. Armed with chalk I could create in color the worlds I dreamed of. On really hot long days, we would set up the "poor mans" slip and slide in the yard. I promise a large blue tarp is a million times better than the slip'n'slide you can buy at Toys'R'Us. All three of us girls could go down at once. The endless adventures we spent had on our bikes, one of us ended one of those adventures in a pond. The tunnel of the unknown at the top of the street. Christine was the only one of us that was brave enough to go past the light in that tunnel. The day I snuck in and out of my neighbors garage because their cat had just birthed kittens and I couldn't stay away from them! The ice cream man and the limitless possibilities for a cool afternoon treat. My red cowboy boots. Climbing trees and screaming for my dad to get the ladder to get me down. The scary neighbors and the wonderful ones. Mrs. Burcar who lived behind us and let us eat to our hearts and stomachs content off her raspberry bushes. The weird neighbors that moved in a dug a pit in their yard to host a nude mud wrestling party. The apple throwing squirrels. Our landlord, Wes, who probably had a bigger imagination than I. Eating dinner on the porch and dessert at dusk. Listening to the sprinklers as I lay in bed just before the sandman paid a visit.

Oh how I miss 6!!!!!!!

Limbo & Freaking Out!!!!!

I've been feeling a bit lost lately. I have never felt this scared about the direction of my life before. I also never had a plan either. I usually just roll with the punches and have a blast doing so, but right now I'm finding that a little difficult to do.

To say that I'm not a planner is a bit of a lie. I do like to make plans. I like to know what's going on and what is happening, but that is only for the short term. Like "Hey what are we doing this weekend?" But I've never actually had a LIFE plan. I don't know why. I just never planned anything outside of the next few weekends. I know that during the weeks I'm going to work and on the weekends I want to be with friends or family having fun. But right now I'm waiting for the next step of my LIFE plan to unfold and it scars the ever living shit out of me.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I can't really make any plans until one thing happens; getting accepted to school in Oregon. Until that happens I'm just waiting. Waiting and holding my breathe, trying to relax and not freak the fuck out!!!! I'm freaking out though!!!!!!!!!! REALLLLLLLLY FREAKING OUT!

What happens between my boyfriend and I if I do get accepted? We have talked before about breaking things off when and if that happens, however, in the last few months he has made some comments about moving that make me wonder if things will be different. I'm trying hard to not get my hopes up but I know that when that day comes and he bids me farewell I will be crushed. I was really hoping that I would not be in this situation when I started school last year and yet here I am. I followed my heart and I don't know if that will pay off in the end. Don't we all make bets with our hearts when our head tells us not to? I feel like I've made too many bets and I just end up huritng both my heart and my head. So I'm not betting right now, just hoping!

Also after I separated and ultimately divorced from my ex I moved home with my parents. Shortly after that I started school so I stayed there. I thought it would be a little ridiculous to have an apartment that I was never at. Now I'm spending most of my time at my boyfriends house. I don't have any roots anymore. I don't feel like I have any space that I can truly call my own. While this was ok for a little while, I'm finding that I do want a place that I can call my own. A place where all of myself is there and not spread out between two houses. But I can't plan anything until I know where I will be living in the fall.

If I do get accepted to Oregon I don't know a single person that lives there. What will I do for work? Where am I going to live? Have I saved enough money? Do I need to submit an application to live on campus? Is it too late to do that? If my guy moves with me are we going to live together? If I don't get accepted what will I do about school? It might be too late to apply to state schools, which is fine I can still go to the community college I'm going to and then figure it out over the next fall and winter. But then that just brings a new set of questions that I don't even want to start thinking about................ See freaking out and I really have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!

Friendship

"I'm not even going to get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest out of the people I thought the highest of."

In no uncertain terms does this ring true more often than I would like it to. I consider myself to be a good friend. I try hard to make sure I am reliable and available if a friend needs me. I would like to think of myself as giving and understanding. I try to always return phone calls and show up when I said I would be there. I wish that this could be said of more people.

Again I find myself disappointed and sadden by the lack of community and friendship that was shown to me this past week. I am trying to help my parents rebuild their fence that was destroyed by the wind earlier this year. They have a really large back yard and it would cost them an arm and a leg to replace it with contractors. So we decided to have a fence party. I invited a lot of people that I have known and consider friends to come help and in return we would provide food and beverages. I, myself, enjoy things like this. Times where good people come together to help one another out and enjoy each other's company. Many people initially said yes but as the date has drawn near I've been given excuse after excuse as to why they can't come. It's disheartening.

I understand that taking a Saturday out to go build a fence at someones house isn't very exciting, but what happened to the spirit of "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine." I am very grateful to those that are coming and seem to have no issues with it all. As if being together was the sole purpose and the fence building a by-product. These are the people that I want to surround myself with as friends all the time. Those are the ones that you want with you when the figurative "shit hits the fan". Or even possibly literally! They will laugh with you as you try to wipe the shit out of your eyes and try avoid pink eye! And as they laugh they will look for the mop and toss you a beer!

To those friends - Thank you for being you and a wonderful friend! To the others, please see wikipedia's deffinition of friendship and maybe you'll understand why I'm upset! But then again you're probably too busy to read this.

"Friendship of goodness depends on love, on likeness, on recognition, on reciprocity, on activity, on quality of characters, and on sharing of life", as understood by Aristotle.